Getting it wrong

So I'll start at the end. The end of a long day.

I stood in the car park of the nursery and arrived at the same time as a lovely friend of mine. She is one of my nct friends as well as a nursery companion. Her eldest son and my daughter have known each other since birth which is lovely. She knew, she knew as soon as she looked at me and asked about work how emotional I was. I managed to fight the tears... Just. But talking to her made me feel so much better (don't you love people who can do this) but she also made me realise I had been totally unprepared for nursery. I had got work sorted, I got nursery sorted but I wasn't mentally ready for the challenge of re balancing work and home life but more specifically when they crash together like thunder.

Let me start from the beginning. My third week of work but little mans second day at nursery as my husband did the childcare for the first two weeks. I woke up from a really angry, frustrating dream. The type where no one is listening no matter how much you shout or swear. But it was one of those dreams where it really affects you and you can feel it flowing through you. Never the less once I was up and dressed it was time to start the day. My son had been moaning off and on during the evening, we had a few cuddles and couple of burps then just left him. We presumed it was because he'd had his first day and his routine hadn't been followed as requested. But once I was showered and dressed I went in to see my son. Yuk, there's something in the air, light on, yes there it was he was surrounded by sick. Well not surrounded, there wasn't much there but he needed a shower and cuddles (the shower was most definitely coming first). Once I did this I gave him his bottle and got him dressed. Seeing the sick I realised that there was kiwi in it and last time he had kiwi he was sick so I felt from instinct that it wasn't a bug but rather a reaction to this food. So into the car we get me the boy and the girl and I drop them at nursery. After deliberating I told nursery about the sick and to avoid kiwi in future.

But as I drove away from the nursery I was questioning whether I'd done the right thing. My children come first above all else but I'd just left my son who wasn't 100% in their care not mine and driven to work. I felt sick and emotional. I got to work feeling awful, am I doing the right thing? Is he ok? So I set up my computer then did what any self respecting mum of two would do.... I hid in the toilets and cried. I cried a lot, I took my time and then needed to keep reminding myself of "deep breaths" throughout the morning.

You see I'm not very good at changing plans. Never have and probably never will be. So when I'm planning to go to work that's where I'm going and a sick child changes that. Obviously I go with the change, the children come first. But then there are days like this that are grey areas and what do you do? I'd rather be looking after my son but I'm mentally prepared for work so I find it hard to change. So when I spoke to my friend she reminded my how when her son started nursery at the same time as my daughter she didn't get to have a full week at work for 3 months due to him having so many ill days. She said she was already
preparing for this with number 2 and there was the realisation. I had completely failed to do this. I thought of it a bit but hadn't really prepared myself for the bugs and the days off with a poorly child. This is bad planning really and good advice to any parent putting their children into day care to make sure they do prepare for it.

So there it is, getting it wrong second time round. After a good nights sleep I woke up brighter and mentally prepared myself to be prepared to change the days plans at a moments notice.

Shopping with a toddler

So shopping with a toddler in a high street shop (I.E. not supermarket shopping where you have a trolley) should be renamed extreme shopping.  It's such hard work!!

After a library trip we headed into town to get a coffee and a babycino (I think these are cute and my daughter loves them!) and then go into a couple of shops.  My first mistake was not having the second seat on my Phil and Teds pushchair to stick her in if required and my second was not having any stickers to hand (note if you have a toddler keep stickers in your pocket AT ALL TIMES!).  So into Superdrug we go, my third mistake was saying "don't touch that", I should have remembered from my swimming teacher training that all my child is going to hear is "touch that".  So I was duly ignored and she grabbed everything; lipsticks, moisturiser, sanitary towels and I tried to remain calm especially to the peering public, then she grabbed the cotton wool pads and realised I actually needed those!  And like a light bulb moment I suddenly had a brainwave - I needed to occupy her. Cue asking her to hold not one but two things for me, one for each hand!  She did try and pop one under her underarm to free a hand but we moved round the shop quickly. We managed to get round the shop unscathed and managed to walk back to the car whilst she carried on holding onto my make up remover and cotton wool (don't worry I did take them off her to pay!) which was brilliant until we got to the car and I took them back again and she screamed "MINE, MINE, MINE!" oh well, you can't win them all!

It would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that I have an awful memory and always forget something that I need to buy so have to repeat the whole process tomorrow!  I will try to remember stickers and to occupy her hands!

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Gamechangers

My parenthood mantra is "it's just a phase" which I think describes it well although it's sad that sometimes the good bits are just phases as much as the bad bits.  Nothing ever stays the same for too long with children which is all part of the fun but every so often something comes along and changes the game.  For example when they start crawling (we're waiting for our son to master this one which will be great because he is so frustrated) or climbing out the cot.  Luckily we haven't got to the second one yet with my daughter and hopefully I haven't jinxed that!!

Our recent gamechangers are both with our 2 year old daughter who I think has had a growth spurt.  Our door handles seem to be quite high as she has been able to reach them in other houses for a while but not ours... Until now, she can open doors and let herself in and out and around the house, perhaps its time for more stair gates.  She has been pretty good but I can guarantee that she won't be in the same room when I get back if I go and do something now.  Yesterday when I was in the kitchen she went upstairs and got her brother a new bib because his was wet.  This was quite sweet really but reminded me even when I'm downstairs we must shut the stair gate at the top of the stairs and perhaps get one at the bottom now which we didn't need before because we could shut the doors on the front room!  I think we'll see how she gets on with this new "freedom" before we put gates on at the bottom too. 

The other game changer we've had with her is where we put her for "time out".  Our safe place to put her when she'd been naughty had been her cot as we'd tried the naughty step but she wouldn't sit still and there was no where else in the house to leave her.  This worked amazingly for us and didn't put her off going to bed for naps or bedtime as I think she knew the difference of going there.  But now if the threat is offered of her cot she's happy...! Obviously not the intended response!  This is because she's discovered what a great trampoline her bed is and if I'm not there she can jump around as much as she wants!  So the game is changed and the place has to change because she now sees it as a reward rather than being disciplined.  So I've started the naughty step which she is now sitting still on but doesn't seem that upset about sitting there unless I don't turn the light on.  And this is the thing when she went to her cot she understood and was sorry, she realised it was a consequence of her actions but on the step she's just not bothered.  She'll sit there for a long time (I used it as a chance to hang up the washing without any "help"!) and she said sorry then went back and did the thing that she was there for again! So we do it again and I ask if she understands and she then says "yes" and takes her punishment and when I come back I get those "I don't give a damn eyes" which I find just obnoxious! I could shout to make her understand but I don't want her to fear me, just respect our discipline and rules but I guess it's earned rather than automatic and we're playing the long game.  So I'll have to put up with that look for a lot longer but hopefully being consistent with rules and consequences we will get there eventually!!

I'm sure our next game changer will be our 9 month old soon moving which will be great not to have him so frustrated but mean a whole new world of "NO" and chasing round after someone who's bound to go in the opposite direction of his sister.  On the plus side it may help me lose the rest of the baby weight.

Mind the (age) Gap

As a parent there are certain topics that seem to spark hot debate; weaning, routines, discipline, dummies...  I could go on.  Obviously another big topic is the age gap between children.  My husband and I have a 15 month gap between our children and we love it.  Despite it being a planned gap (we know how lucky we are) it took me until some time after he was born to be completely comfortable with the age gap and know that we had made the right decision. A lot of this worry I had came from the reactions I got from people when I told them I was pregnant or people who didn't know me and saw a big bump and a young toddler.  The reactions ranged from "you're brave" and "I couldn't do it" to "oh you didn't waste much time" along with some people asking "was it planned?".  The problem is I also didn't know how to respond to these and still don't when people ask our age gap and give a reaction similar to the above.  Brave I'm not but I also don't think I'm stupid for having a relatively small gap between my children.  And when people say "oh you didn't waste much time" - What does that even mean?  I think when people say this to me I just stand speechless.  And when people ask if he was planned, yes thank you he was but it is also inappropriate people who have asked this question, my neighbour (who also told me his daughter was trying for another baby) and a colleague at work!

Our age gap isn't perfect for everyone for what ever reason but it has been perfect for us.  Some people I'm sure think that our toddler is missing out on attention from us but if that's true then all subsequent siblings must be missing out on attention but in our circumstance it actually means the opposite.  If we didn't have another then I would still be at work then she would be in full time day care but being on maternity I get to spend more time with her whilst she's young which was one major reason for having another.  We knew we could (just) financially afford it which I know not everyone can and were lucky enough that it happened for us, not a day goes by that we're not thankful for that.

It frustrates me so much in parenting more so than in any other aspect of life that some people think if you're doing it differently to them then it must be wrong, but we're all different with different circumstances.  There are all sorts of reasons for people having the age gap that they do between children and it's an incredibly personal thing.  When people make these remarks most of the time they're not thinking, like if they see a married couple and ask why they don't have children, for all they know they could have been trying for years.  If anyone has any great come backs for me then they would be welcome!  I need something to come back against the negativity!!  I just wish I hadn't spent so long fretting about the age gap and feeling guilty for my first born but then I think that's common whatever the age gap to worry because it's the unknown of what's about to happen and how the family dynamics will change.

Maternity... It's nearly over

So this week I'm officially no longer on maternity leave and I'm on annual leave.  Usually when you're having holiday days at work these days are brilliant, you're getting paid but you're not at work but sadly being on holiday means that I'm no longer on maternity leave and soon I'm going to have to say goodbye to my kids everyday.

I respect mum's who make a decision to work or not and do what is best for them, their family and their situation.  But sadly I have to go to work and I think this is why I feel a bit of resentment about going back and not spending the time with my children.  It will be fine, I've done it once before and I'm not remotely worried about the children!  They are going to be at a wonderful nursery and I know that this environment is really good for them both socially and emotionally but I feel like I'm going to miss out on so much as well as having to put to deal with two very tired children on a weekend.

I think this return to work is harder for a few reasons, for a start I'm not pregnant so it doesn't feel short term!  But also having a toddler we have such a lot more interaction than when she was a baby and she's becoming so chatty, I also have a life when on maternity as we do things in the day (such a puddle jumping!) and socialising with friends.  When I return to work it feels like it takes over and I don't see my mummy friends as much.  But this time I resolve to taking more afternoons off to meet up with friends to ensure that I keep my much valued support circle and my children see their friends who they've become so fond of.  This will all take some adjustment for us all and I'll update you on how we're all getting on but how have other people found their return to work? Or are you looking forward to returning to work? I'd really like to hear other peoples work stories.

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