Finishing my second maternity leave has left me in a very reflective mood and I've tried two or three times to write this post and in different formats but always got stuck. I feel most reflective on how I felt when I went on maternity leave to the place where I am now and it almost feels like two different people. I think trying to write this post several times has been good because it's jogged my memory about how I really was 9 months ago and how I was feeling.
As I wasn't blogging then (such as shame because it would be really good to actually have written about our impending changes) I will start from the beginning. I went on maternity leave at 38 weeks pregnant and I was big!! I'm only 5ft1" and unknown at the time but when the little man came out at 41 weeks he was 8lb13oz - I remember looking at him and just wondering how on earth he fitted in there. So I was really uncomfortable and I was tired. I think it's such a shame that most women can't sleep that well during pregnancy, we don't need the "practice" etc, we need the rest! Especially in subsequent pregnancies, they are so much harder on your body as you don't naturally rest as much because you have another one to look after. By the time my maternity leave came I was ready for it and luckily we had decided to keep our little girl in nursery for the first month and I'm so pleased we did. At the end of the pregnancy I felt like I was an awful mother because I just didn't have the physical capabilities that I had (I really missed giving her a tight cuddle) and I was worried about all the changes that were about to happen. Once the little man came out I immediately felt better, I could suddenly move more easily, I could give her cuddles and strangely had more energy - I guess that big baby wasn't weighing me down anymore!! But I still worried about what all these changes were going to do to number 1 - were we going to ruin her life by bringing in a sibling, especially one so close in age? Would our lovely mother / daughter bond be broken for ever? Was I ever going to cope with two? Were we all going to survive until the end of my maternity leave? Will I sleep again? Will number 2 be colicky? Will he get into a routine as easily as number 1? And the endless questions went on... and on.... and on....
Having spoken to my friends I think this is completely normal as most people seem to worry about how the dynamics are going to shift when another child comes along. Obviously it's usually something that people have wanted all along but as the saying goes "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" so if your dynamics work with one why would you have a second? Of course you have to think more long term but when hormones get involved that's very difficult and sometimes the worrying can take over about whether you're doing the right thing or not. I also think being at work I was very isolated as I didn't really see my "mummy" friends that I had seen a lot and didn't know that the phases that number 1 was going through at 15 months were completely normal and she wasn't becoming really naughty, she just wasn't going to say yes to everything right away. Having this network set back up when I went on maternity leave really helped, I honestly believe sometimes that good friends can save you from therapy!
And of course here we are 9 months later with two wonderful children. A 9 month old and a 2 year old, they both survived and so did both parents and our marriage! We did sleep again, around the 12 week mark which I'm thankful for as having two is exhausting. Number 2 wasn't colicky and he did get into a routine like number 1. In some ways he didn't do it as easily as she did but in other ways such as by giving him the dummy the routine actually came easier. We also managed to then take away the dummy as that was another thing I overly worried about. I'm not going to lie, there were / are tough times / long days... My mind is taken back to a few particular instances; number 1 falling off the sofa a couple of times whilst I was feeding and she was trying to get up; number 1 crying and pulling at my legs whilst I'm trying to change number 2 who's also crying at the top of his voice especially before bedtime; His 6 week check when he had a meltdown (guess what the doctors were running late) because he was hungry then she wanted "up" - there was no where for her to come up to because I was on a little chair and then this led to a double meltdown in public. Luckily the doctor gave us her treatment room to hide in (feed) and sort ourselves out but that was a hard morning. But we developed ways to deal with these tricky times for example feeding on the big bed especially when number 1 was tired - there is room for everyone and room to give cuddles, so she's much less likely to fall down. We got into bath / bed time routines which actually worked better for everyone than before and well the doctors... That's still annoying! We waited 1/2 hour before our appointment this morning and although no meltdown I did have a lively, loud toddler running around. I did get a few looks from doctors when they came to get patients but if they ran to time then my toddler wouldn't be bored and fidgety so I'm not taking the blame there!
Overall I feel like the age gap we have is the best thing we ever did. I love it. I've got to spend more time with my little girl whilst she's young and I've also got the loveliest little boy on the planet and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for them. I wish I could go back to that person I was 9 months ago and reassure her but I can't so I just hope that for anyone that is reading this and is in (or will be) in a similar position that this reassures you, you will come through it and find ways to deal with two little ones. Trust your instincts and try to enjoy them whilst they're little because the time goes by even faster the second time!
