The return to work is here

So today is the eve of my return to work (well eve, eve as I'm returning Tuesday) and I'm feeling pretty rubbish about it.  It feels really different returning this time to when I returned to work last time, not least because last time I was 4 months pregnant!  But also as a second time parent I'm not nervous about my children, it's me that I'm nervous for!

My children will be going to nursery full time.  It's a sad fact and one I wish I could change but under current circumstances this is the way it is and that can't be changed.  The nursery they will go to is the same one that my daughter has been at since 9 months (since I've been on maternity leave she's continued going two days a week) and it is a wonderful nursery.  Last time I was nervous about her attending a nursery, I had in my head a vision of snotty, ill toddlers that were crying most of the time and just doing messy play.  I also had a conversation with a childminder (who I'd turned down) who said she hated the thought of a child going to nursery and "staring at the same four walls all day everyday".  Well none of this could be further from the truth, well apart from the snotty nose thing except they teach them to blow and wipe their noses and dispose
of the tissues!  Their nursery is brilliant and really stimulating.  They have a ballpool, garden with a couple of rabbits, go on walks, have an imaginary room etc, they have a brilliant time there whilst also building really good social skills.  For my daughter at 9 months going to nursery was actually the best thing for her as she was a bit of a mummy's girl and was / is shy in some situations and was starting to get a bit clingy.  Going to nursery was brilliant for her socially as she's not clingy now at all and although she is still shy (that part of her won't change) once she's settled into a place she's herself again.  I wonder if she had gone to a childminder full time if she would have just become clingy to them as well as / instead of me, we'll never know.  Nursery also has some unexpected benefits; they tend to be good eaters, they learn how to use cutlery from a young age, they learned from a young age how to climb and descend stairs safely etc.  So, overall I know the children are going into a really good environment.

The downside to this stimulating environment is the tiredness.  I didn't really realise until I was on maternity leave the second time how much it takes out of them.  I just thought my daughter was grumpy on Saturday's because we weren't stimulating her enough and because the house isn't as child friendly as nursery (therefore she her the word "no" a lot more).  They get so tired that you then lose part of your weekend because they're exhausted from the week that has just been and when children are tired they test boundaries, a lot.  But at least we're prepared for this and I will keep everyone posted on how we deal with this.

Most of all I feel like I'm losing my freedom.  Sure we do certain things on certain days but we have plenty of free time to do what we want, when we want - within reason as you always have to think about nap time! During the week I'm in charge and I can choose who we see, when we see them and what we do and it's lovely.  Don't get me wrong, I love family time at the weekends but I have to compromise what I want to do with what my husband wants to do.  And now during the week if I want to go away I have to request leave and I can't just come and go as I please.  I also won't see my friends and their little ones who I will miss just as much as my two and I'm finding it hard to think about not seeing these lovely little people all the time.  I will make more effort to see people at weekends but it does require effort, when you're all off at the same time it's easy and that's what I've been used to.
In an ideal world I wouldn't work or I'd work part time and still send my children to nursery as there are so many benefits from going but I guess it's the real world and I just need to suck it up and I just need to put my game face on and get on with it.  But the real world sucks doesn't it!!